I don’t know if you know about this stuff, but on my little blog ‘dashboard’ whatnot, I can see who’s been sent to my blog by Google, and what they typed into the little search window. Some people were obviously looking for me, others were led to me by such normal requests as ‘chocolate muffins’, ‘Rachel Allen’ (who must be really pissed off that I get all her hits) or ‘Landrover Discovery’, and others are just downright weird. Such is the nature of my ramblings, and obviously the dearth of other information on such things, that by Googling: ‘breasts squashed in sari’, as some weirdo did, you will be directed, disappointingly, to one of my posts on Goa. This is worrying. Other disturbing searches include ‘mother’s silky knickers’ which led the somewhat odd enquirer to a post when I’d mentioned knickers and my mother in the same paragraph (sorry Mum, for dragging you into the mire), and the frankly smutty: ‘Euro mums in bikinis’. The poor sod thought he was going to get saucy pictures of nubile lovelies but no, he got me waffling on about my holiday instead. That’ll teach him.
Someone else was led here after Googling ‘as a Grandparent, do I have rights to see my children’. I don’t know whether they found the answer, but if they’re reading, they’re very welcome to borrow my children in lieu of the ones they’ve obviously mislaid.
Here, then, just for fun, is a top ten of my most favourite Google searches that pointed in my direction. Sometimes I’m not even sure why:
1. ‘How to stop sheep crapping in my garden’ (Google.ie). I love this one. Shut the gate, love!
2. ‘Cross eyed dog’ (Google.com).
3. ‘The best time for picking field mushrooms’ (Google.ie).
4. ‘Sari shop in Dublin’ (Google.ie)
5. ‘How to enlarge my bust’ (Google.ie). Ooh, I know this one: implants? Wonderbra?
6. ‘Massage girls midlands Ireland’ (yahoo.com). Ew.
7. ‘Hot English mums’ (Google.nl). Yes we are rather aren’t we. Ha..
8. ‘Where can I buy marshmallow fluff?’ (Google.ca). At the marshmallow fluff store, duh.
9. ‘Dying without a will’ (Google.co.uk). Don’t, please. It’ll just turn your relatives against each other and make them try to trip each other up just by the edge of the train platform and stuff. Very messy.
And finally, my all time absolute favourite:
10. ‘Irish miles versus English miles’ (Google.ie). Absolute classic. Ah, so that’s why it takes so bloody long to get anywhere here – the miles are longer.