ENGLISH MUM IN IRELAND HAS MOVED! FIND ME AT ENGLISHMUM.COM

I don’t know if you know about this stuff, but on my little blog ‘dashboard’ whatnot, I can see who’s been sent to my blog by Google, and what they typed into the little search window. Some people were obviously looking for me, others were led to me by such normal requests as ‘chocolate muffins’, ‘Rachel Allen’ (who must be really pissed off that I get all her hits) or ‘Landrover Discovery’, and others are just downright weird. Such is the nature of my ramblings, and obviously the dearth of other information on such things, that by Googling: ‘breasts squashed in sari’, as some weirdo did, you will be directed, disappointingly, to one of my posts on Goa. This is worrying. Other disturbing searches include ‘mother’s silky knickers’ which led the somewhat odd enquirer to a post when I’d mentioned knickers and my mother in the same paragraph (sorry Mum, for dragging you into the mire), and the frankly smutty: ‘Euro mums in bikinis’. The poor sod thought he was going to get saucy pictures of nubile lovelies but no, he got me waffling on about my holiday instead. That’ll teach him.

Someone else was led here after Googling ‘as a Grandparent, do I have rights to see my children’. I don’t know whether they found the answer, but if they’re reading, they’re very welcome to borrow my children in lieu of the ones they’ve obviously mislaid.

Here, then, just for fun, is a top ten of my most favourite Google searches that pointed in my direction. Sometimes I’m not even sure why:

1. ‘How to stop sheep crapping in my garden’ (Google.ie). I love this one. Shut the gate, love!
2. ‘Cross eyed dog’ (Google.com).
3. ‘The best time for picking field mushrooms’ (Google.ie).
4. ‘Sari shop in Dublin’ (Google.ie)
5. ‘How to enlarge my bust’ (Google.ie). Ooh, I know this one: implants? Wonderbra?
6. ‘Massage girls midlands Ireland’ (yahoo.com). Ew.
7. ‘Hot English mums’ (Google.nl). Yes we are rather aren’t we. Ha..
8. ‘Where can I buy marshmallow fluff?’ (Google.ca). At the marshmallow fluff store, duh.
9. ‘Dying without a will’ (Google.co.uk). Don’t, please. It’ll just turn your relatives against each other and make them try to trip each other up just by the edge of the train platform and stuff. Very messy.

And finally, my all time absolute favourite:

10. ‘Irish miles versus English miles’ (Google.ie). Absolute classic. Ah, so that’s why it takes so bloody long to get anywhere here – the miles are longer.

Can I just point out that it is only two weeks until my birthday? If Hubby ever read this blog (which he doesn’t), he would probably be aware that to make me the happiest bunny in Bunnysville he only has to purchase a trifling KitchenAid blender (ooooh, the pink one!!), or a nice Francis Francis coffee machine (I know I hate coffee but they’re sooooo cool), or a nice four-slice Dualit toaster or..oh, hang on, I can feel a top ten list coming:

What I would like for my birthday in an ideal world (in no particular order):

1. A pink Nokia 7360 (sorry, big R, I know you work for Motorola!)
2. A pink KitchenAid blender (okay, a cream one then)
3. A pink Dualit toaster (hmmm..there’s a theme developing here)
4. A big, huge pile of Clarins stuff (I’m not fussy, it’s all good)
5. Scented candles (Jo Malone preferably, but again not fussy)
6. Books (currently into John Harvey, but anything where someone gets murdered does it for me)
7. Cookery books (but obviously not anything I’ve already got). Quite fancy Kevin Dundon’s ‘Full on Irish’ and Bill Granger’s got a new one out too
8. Nice underwear (nothing in that horrible satin that you catch your fingernails on and absolutely nothing in red..yuck..and none of that lace that - look away now family - shows your nipples..ew)
9. My Mum to be here
10. And Louis said he’d quite like a bone, please

I obviously didn’t go for the real fantasy items like diamonds, Chloe handbags, Caribbean holidays or a new Land Rover Discovery 3 – (the TDV6 HSE in Lugano Teal please) - no point in going mad, eh? I do admit to being slightly difficult in the pressie department. Poor Hubby, I have to say, once bought me a bread maker for my birthday when the kids were little and I was so hurt and furious I don’t think I even ever took it out of the box (it got donated to the school raffle as I remember). The funny thing is, I’d be delighted to get one now, but then I felt it was insultingly ‘housewifey’. Funny creatures us women, eh?

Ah, Sunday again. It seems to take ages to get here, then it’s over in a flash. On today’s menu is roast lemon chicken (I know, boring, but everyone likes it), roast baby new potatoes, roast parsnips, peas and sprouts. Annoying little suckers, sprouts are. I mean, I really like them but they take SO long to prepare. I don’t bother with doing that cross at the base (I find it makes them soggy), but just tailing them and taking all the yucky leaves off takes ages. I haven’t bothered with dessert today – there’s still the lemon cake from yesterday and anyway we’re off to the cinema this afternoon to see Open Season, so I’m sure there’ll be plenty of ice cream knocking about. We go to the cinema at the unfeasibly large shopping centre, and they have a Ben and Jerry’s counter – oh what bliss (I can feel another top ten coming on…). It’s as much as I can do to limit myself to three scoops. No wonder my bum looks big on camera…

Okay, here it is, my top ten fave Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavours:

1. Phish Food (chocolate ice cream, gooey marshmallow stuff and little
chocolate fishes!)
2. Strawberry
3. Dublin Mudslide (kind of like Baileys ice cream with cookies in)
4. Cookie Dough
5. Caramel Chew Chew (ooh, lovely little mini rolo-type things in this)
6. Minter Wonderland
7. Chocolate Fudge Brownie (not to be confused with Chocolate Therapy)
8. Cherry Garcia
9. Vanilla Caramel Fudge
10. Chocolate Therapy (chunks of chocolate cookie in this..yum!)

Roll on 3pm, I say.

The unfeasibly long school run had a whole new dimension to it this morning…it was kind of like an incredibly long obstacle course - like we used to do at school except this time in the car and with trees, whole bushes, bits of fence and a myriad of dead animals strewn in the road to avoid.

Having had a VERY sleepless night being battered by the 80mph winds caused by Hurricane Doris or whatever its bloody name is, we awoke to find the garden completely trashed: fences down and cars covered in debris. After a quick check to ensure there was nothing too drastic, we set off only to discover that the rest of Ireland took a battering seemingly far worse than our place, which is quite sheltered by tall trees all around it. Judging by the amount of dead bodies, Irish birds are not too clever at sheltering from the wind (bit difficult when you live in a tree I suppose) and there seemed to be an awful lot of dead rabbits on the road as well (your guess is as good as mine – maybe they popped out to see what all the noise was - either that or one of the local butchers had spent the night driving about flinging his stock out at regular intervals).

I also noticed, apropos of absolutely nothing, that one of the petrol stations on my route is currently pricing its unleaded at 103 cent per litre – read it and weep my UK readers!! Don’t know exactly what that is in sterling but it’s got to be around 70 pence per litre.

Anyhoo, with the boys safely at school, I drove back listening to ‘Dermot and Dave in the morning’ (don’t mock, it’s quite good), had a good laugh at M and 50 the Toll Trolls (the two trolls that live at the M50 toll obviously - you had to be there):

M: ‘Why did Tigger have his head down the toilet?’
50: ‘He was looking for pooh!’

…and had the good fortune to hear most of my current fave songs (well, we haven’t had a list in a while have we?). So (fanfare!) in no particular order:

Top Ten Songs to Enjoy while Avoiding Hazards in the Road

1. Scissor Sisters: Don’t Feel Like Dancing
2. Shakira and that other bloke: Hips Don’t Lie
3. Kelly Clarkson: Breakaway
4. Gwen Stefani: Hollaback Girl
5. Gwen Stefani: Cool (it’s my list, I can have two if I want)
6. A Ha: Take On Me (oldie but goodie methinks)
7. Jack Johnson: can’t remember the name of the song
8. Pussycat Dolls: Buttons
9. Green Day: American Idiot (and no, they don’t censor it here)
10. Justin Timberlake: SexyBack (it’s growing on me)

There you go - happy Friday!

So…we went to the biggest shopping centre I’ve ever seen in my life yesterday. It’s strange - you drive down a country road then all of a sudden… woah, it’s a huge shopping centre! Not only does it have your normal common or garden indoor bit with shops, the ubiquitous Kentucky Fried Pigeon, conveyor belts for the children to get their shoe laces stuck in and odd plinky plonky music, but it’s got lots of big individual superstores too. Anyway, on the way back we got stuck at some roadworks, and with no squashed animals nearby to keep us occupied, the following list started to form. I can‘t actually keep it to ten as I keep remembering other ones I liked. Think this might continue to be a work in progress:

Top Ten (ish) Best Movies (Mum’s List)

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (‘Oh bugger!’)
2. I, Robot
3. Gladiator
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
5. What Women Want
6. Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (Soda, soda, banana!)
7. Bruce Almighty (‘b..e..a..utiful!’)
8. Pretty Woman
9. American Pie
10. The Life of Brian (‘Stwike him, Centuwion, stwike him vewy wuffly!’)
11. Blade Runner
12. Cocktail

And I’m still going…

Uh oh, I can feel another list coming on. This one is a top ten of things that have been ‘challenging’ so far - in order of frustratingness (I know it’s not a word, but it’s my blog and I can make up words if I like):

1. I can’t have a bank account

2. I had to queue for 20 minutes to be told I can’t have a bank account (by a fantastically friendly lady - everyone in Ireland is friendly - maybe that’s why the queues are so long?)

3. The reason I can’t have a bank account (so the fantastically friendly lady tells me) is because I have no bills in my name.

4. Yes, you got there before me, didn’t you. The reason I have no bills in my name is because I can’t pay them because…I don’t have a bank account!

5. They turn the water off at 11pm (’because there’s a water shortage’ the fantastically friendly lady from the water people told us - and you can hardly complain because water is free here - bonus!). Mind you, that’s not really frustrating because I’m always in bed before then anyway. Our lodger told us.

6. I don’t know anyone. This is a problem because I don’t know anyone I can ask to babysit, and as I told my friend B, short of accosting smiley looking people in the street and asking them to look after my kids, I’m pretty stuck until school starts and hopefully I make a few friends.

7. I have a toothache and don’t have a babysitter (see 6 above). Ask any mother and she will tell you the chances of your two children behaving while the dentist has his fingers in your mouth so you can’t shout at them are very slim.

Nope that’s it - it’s a top seven today I’m afraid. No, actually, I’ll add three fantastic things instead…

8. I’ve found Tesco! This is important to a girl, and excuse my housewifeliness (well I am a housewife) but it’s fab to find a familiar shop. They do really interesting things like Value Potato Farls. What the hell are they?!

9. There’s no road rage. Everyone drives like a lunatic here, and regards it as completely normal behaviour. No-one seems to get cross, no matter what you do. Yes, even when hubby is driving. Maybe it’s because they’re used to people swerving into their path trying avoid all those dead things by the side of the road…

10. Sons #1 and#2 have discovered a golf driving range down the road. You get 100 balls for 8 euro, and 50 free if you come before 2pm (aargh!). I don’t mind because we get to stop in the pub on the way home. Well, you have to cross over you see, because it’s safer to walk towards incoming traffic (ahem). The range is on the same side of the road as us, but further down. Obviously, there’s the ubiquitous rabbit population who are, of course, completely unaware of all the golf balls thudding around their ears and sit merrily by the markers checking out the form. We wondered if anyone had ever hit one and if so, whether there’s a special prize (queue frenzied shots by sons who, of course, missed every time.)

Got to ten this time!

I know, I know..but it’s just another thing that strikes me as completely weird. I have never, ever seen so many dead things by the side of the road as I have since I’ve been living here. For your delectation, and in order of weirdness, is my top er..eight:

1. A horse (yes, really - a whole one)
2. A dog (hello? doesn’t it occur to someone to look along the road when their dog’s missing?)
3. Masses of cats
4. Badgers
5. Foxes
6. Squirrels
7. Birds
8. A kind of curly haired, pale thing and #1 son thought might be a poodle but I’m reserving judgment.

There you go. Thought for the day.