Thomas the tank engine, admittedly not well known for his deep and meaningful prose, once said that ‘coughs and sneezles spread diseasels’. And how right he was, for the rampant little bug that first started #1’s snuffly nose has managed to make its way sneakily into Hubby’s system. On the way, it must be said, it has strangely morphed into the terrible and life-threatening illness that is Man Flu.
Now if you’ve never heard of this dreadful affliction, let me walk you through the symptoms:
Man Flu is NOT A COLD, it’s far worse than that and causes irritability, cold sweats, hot dribbly sweats, snot (that the sufferer has to share with everyone in an ‘ew, look in my tissue’ kind of way), sinusitis, petulance, heart palpitations, crabbiness, lethargy and loads of other stuff too. Oh, and did I mention the tantrums?
Man Flu renders the sufferer incapable of all daily tasks, apart, natch, from the hogging of the comfiest sofa and total monopoly of the TV remote.
Man Flu is well known for being worse than anyone else’s cold or flu. Any attempt at one-upmanship will not be tolerated. See ‘irritability’ above.
Man Flu needs to be treated with copious cups of tea, large bacon sandwiches with brown sauce, the entire contents of the biscuit tin and two paracetamol, all taken at regular intervals throughout the day.
Man Flu invokes fits of erratic moaning and whingeing, subjects ranging from the pathetic range of choice in the aforementioned biscuit tin and the general unfairness of it all to ‘how much iller I am than you’, whilst skirting round the dicier subjects of why there’s no tissues left and whether one really can get addicted to Solpadeine.
And finally, before I go back to tending my own brave little soldier, and lest you should need any further proof, I’ll add the following touching scene, played out in McDonalds yesterday (it was the only thing he really felt that he could force down):
Me (in the drive-through queue): ‘What are you having?’
Him (sniffing petulantly): ‘I’m not telling you, you might copy me.’
Man flu, see?